And no shit we’re confused

You’d think that I bought this so I could eat my feelings away but honestly I bought them because they looked cute and the purchase made me feel good, but there is no way I could eat a whole cupcake. That’s the sweetest of the sweets and I can’t handle that shit. Before February 2nd, 2014 I was the opposite of a sweet tooth. I liked my coffee black, baked goods on the savory side and cake was no struggle to refuse at parties. Why the specific date though? Because on February 2nd, 2014, I had just returned to my mom’s home from a rainy photo shoot with a woman and her husband expecting. The Superbowl had just barely begun when I fell into a hour nap. I swung up with force, opened my eyes and screamed to my best friend who was also with me. I NEED A CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO. Let me tell you how anti-sweet I once was. I went into a Starbucks asking an employee 200 hundred questions of what goes into a Frappuccino and how it’s made. The man looked at me like I was crazy. “Sorry it’s been like five years since I’ve had one of those.” He didn’t change his facial expression. –So that’s when it began. I don’t know where the cravings came from but it literally just showed up at my door, unannounced, uninvited. Welcome home.

Yesterday I found out that I am the only student in the creative writing workshop that has never taken a workshop before. I guess that says something, right? 14 of us, out of 100 applicants. I already have a story in mind for my first short. But really though, that information made me feel good.

Valentines Day will mark the expiration of my birth control contraceptive’s life. Next Tuesday I will go into the doctors to get the Nexplanon removed. I also took advantage of the school’s (free) counseling services. I have a phone interview on Monday to discuss my needs and find a matching doctor.

I spent midnight dancing to Arcade Fire in the candle lit living room while my husband slept peacefully.

We know that we’re young
And no shit we’re confused
But will you watch us drown?
What are you so afraid to lose?

I care, I don’t love it.

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I used to have a wonderful relationship with food. At times I still do but it’s not like before when the kitchen was the place to hang and bust out various culinary adventures. Cooking and baking was in my blood and at one point you’d find me twirling around the space with my piping bag in the air ready to ice some odd cake request that I would get often. I don’t even bother taking any pastry orders, even if it was for myself.

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So what happened? If I could narrow it down to two broad reasons it would be: the media’s impact on culinary & a slow but effective eating disorder I developed over the last few years.

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Before I graduated culinary school, food was all about being good, tasteful and just overall inspiring. Now it’s all about being the BEST. I don’t even know if the Food Network still have simple cooking segments but the last thing I remember before canceling the cable was the insane amount of cooking/baking competition shows. Ace of Cakes was enough (and awkward but in a pleasurable way) but then when things changed, I felt like whatever my involvement for food was, I had to compete with everyone else in the world (or food blog world that is).

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When I returned to school in 2012, I was semi-fit, at a healthy BMI and was content with myself. And then I started meeting all kinds of people that thrived on what it is to live a “healthy lifestyle.” I thought it would not hurt to join in on what seemed proper to do. Biggest mistake of my life (to date). I think it was better when I didn’t know what foods did to my body because ever since then my body, hormones, and everything in between crashed into the bridge and I sure as hell didn’t love it.

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In January 2015, I started my first semester at this prestigious school I probably shouldn’t name because does it really matter? School is stressful, but let me tell you how stressful it was for ME. I took the same technique that I used back in 2012 after taking a break from school for 5 years: focus, ask for help and devote as much time as I can to my studies (I even quit my high paying job for that extra time) — and applied this at a school with 15% acceptance rate. My plan failed miserably because apparently in order to survive college as a transfer student, you’ve got to give it your all, and then more, and then die, and then keep giving more. My first semester was all tears, heart palpitations, depression, and worst of all, binge eating. This was the peak of my eating disorder.

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Now you’re probably wondering…so what’s changing? I am not going to devote most of my life to trying to lose weight or finding the right “lifestyle.” This isn’t going to be a blog of what workouts I did or what juice I’ve juiced on today. I’ve reached the lowest of lows and all I want more now is to just be happy. After years of getting cookie-cutter responses from a bunch of basic doctors, I finally made a huge step today and made an appointment with a naturopathic doctor. Since no one really follows or subscribes to my blog, I decided I could use this space for my journaling and maybe down the line, I will blog it up.